Mayra throws herself down on the bed with all her weight, making me bounce with the shock, and begins seriously:
- Prins, we need to think more about garden plants: in the open area we still have too few.
- I know, Mayra: we've been focusing more on flowering and indoor plants, which are the fastest to sell.
- Yes, but those women your maman sends us also ask us for plants to put outside: today the sinhora Bòsoli asked me for a Mannolia, a Smanto, a Caprofolio and a Aloropetalo that I don't even know what it is: we have to give her an answer by tomorrow.
- So May, they are called Magnolia, Osmanthus, Honeysuckle and Loropetalus: you should try to learn them, the names of the plants we grow in the greenhouses.
- But I know them by their faces, not by their names.
- Faces?
- Yes, from the sight. So, what do I answer her?
- Tell her I'll get them as soon as possible: I know where to find them.
- Then I wanted to show you this catalogue here with some very nice new flowers…
She opens the catalog and puts it on my lap. I close it with annoyance.
- Not tonight, May: sorry, I really don't feel like it. We'll do it tomorrow.
Mayra, a little disappointed, puts the catalogue on the nightstand and folds her hands on her knees.
- There's something wrong with you, Manu.
- Oh no, Mayra, I'm just a little sleepy.
She looks at me seriously.
- We made an agreement, Prinsy, that you must not tell me lies, because I will know.
- All right May, it's a lie, I admit it, but you can't expect me to tell you about everything, even my strictly personal things.
- Okay Prins, then I'll leave you alone with your thoughts and your strictly personal things. You have the dog to keep you company, you don't need me.
She starts to get up, but I hold her by the wrist.
- No, please, stay. In fact, if you feel like it, maybe give me a little back massage: I really need to relax.
- Okay, I'll take the massage oil.
She goes to the bathroom to get the scented oil she uses for massages, an oil that is very light on the skin and leaves a delicious fragrance, that of Tiare, scientific name Gardenia tahitensis. As I take off my shirt and lie down on my stomach I think we should also get that plant, in addition to the outdoor shrubs requested by Mrs. Bòzzoli. That blessed woman has become one of my regular customers and is bringing me a lot of money, even though the bulk of my earnings for now still come from my part-time photography modeling.
Yes, photography modeling.
I think back to those two days spent at Chalet La Marmotte: they were among the most beautiful and intense of my life, and I still don't understand why. This ridiculous activity has become a kind of drug for me, because Gianni is the one photographing me and his photos reveal me to myself; I see myself through his eyes and he sees me as beautiful: this has generated a kind of emotional short circuit in me; probably, as he says, I fell in love with myself, like Narcissus. The fact is that I can no longer do without him: having him take pictures of me is an indirect way of making love , we both know it, and this complicity binds us. But that night I really wanted to physically make love to him, that is, according to his theory, to myself. I feel terribly confused, and even more humiliated, because it was he who prevented me, demonstrating a wisdom from which I am far removed. I would have done it, because I am an idiot and by now my brain has ended up in mush: I have not even considered the problem of the consequences, I have not remembered that, among other things, I am the father of a child, I have not remembered anything at all.
I feel like a boy with his first crush, and this is absurd from several points of view, even more so because he is involved with another man. I am terribly uncomfortable with myself, I would like to disappear and never let him see me again, cultivating the secret hope that he will miss me forever, but I can't do it: I desperately need to see him. Luckily for me, he behaves as if nothing had happened, with that surreal irony that distinguishes him, to which has been added a tone of benevolent and almost paternal affection that reassures me a little, and makes me feel a little like a worm. But I can't do without him, just as he can't do without me. We probably love each other, but we can't afford it.
On the other hand, for now, even if I wanted to do without it (and I don't), I couldn't: it's thanks to that clandestine activity that I'm paying back the loan to my father and Michael. The proceeds from the nursery sales, minus expenses, are barely enough to pay Mayra's salary, who in any case fully deserves it, given that she's making my greenhouses prosper and always attracting new customers. She knows how to deal with the ladies, she entertains them, she offers them sweets and coffee with her simple and relaxing chatter. Yes, relaxing: this is the exact term to define Mayra's effect on people in general. If I had to compare her to a plant, I would compare her to Cannabis: when she's around you immediately feel better.
- Lie flat on your back, she tells me, starting to massage my shoulders.
I moan with pleasure and well-being, despite my inner discomfort.
- Are you doing better, Manu?
- Much better.
- You've been all weird ever since you came back from the mountains.
- Yes I know.
- You don't want to tell me what happened? Maybe it's worse that you keep it all inside.
- Maybe. I don't know, Mayra.
- If you tell me about it while I'm giving you a massage, calmly, you'll see that afterwards everything will seem easier.
- Maybe. I'll think about it now, May. In the meantime, you massage me even lower, please.
- Lower where? On your legs? I'll get to those later.
- Further down on the back.
- On the butt?
- Yes, please. If you don't mind. I feel all tense.
- You can imagine if I'm sorry: you have such a nice ass.
She gives me a slap.
- Ouch, are you crazy?
- Don't get nervous, otherwise the massage will be too bad.
I lie down with my face resting on my crossed arms and close my eyes. The storm inside me seems to calm down little by little to the slow and lulling rhythm of Mayra's hand movements.
All the parts of my body relax and unwind, except one. There the storm continues, there is a strange agitation that depends on factors that are not clear to me: it is not possible that it depends on physical attraction, because I really like Gianni as a person, but it is not his body that attracts me: overall he is a handsome man, a middle-aged man who wears his years very well, but I am not normally attracted to handsome men, otherwise I would be attracted first of all to Carlos, who has all the credentials to exert a strong erotic attraction on anyone.
I am not gay in the classic sense of the term, I am not seduced by male physicality, just as I am quite indifferent to female physicality, unless there is something else behind physical beauty: Michelle was beautiful, but I was fascinated above all by her personality, so different from that of any other woman I have ever known. Even in the case of Gianni, although so different, it is the personality that fascinates me: consequently I do not see why it should be that part of my body that should react in that way, rather than my heart or my brain or both. It is all so incomprehensible that I feel truly disturbed: I finally decide to talk about it with Mayra, whose simplicity of soul and clarity of mind are usually a great help to me in these moments. I begin point-blank, without useless turns of phrase.
- I spent the night in bed with a man.
Her hands pause for a moment on my back, but then return unperturbed.
- Oh yeah, Manu? There's no need to tell me who you're with, I already know.
- With Gianni.
- Exactly, I already knew it. I told you you were in love with him, but you were angry.
- Mayra, it's all very confusing in my mind: I don't know if this strange thing can be called falling in love.
- And what do you call it?
- I don't know, I told you. I really like Gianni as a person, but he says that I especially like the fact that he likes me and that he's in love with me. Mirror effect, you know?
- Yes, I understand: that man is intelligent, he said something very true.
- But it's not just that, Mayra: I really get along with him. He's funny, witty, cultured, charming... And he makes me do things that I really like: he took me to high altitudes, you know, where there's only snow and a dazzling sun, a breathtakingly beautiful landscape. And we skied all afternoon, and then he took me to a restaurant and a disco.
- I understand very well, Manu: you are so young and you have seen very little, he makes you see so many new things and you are encantado. He makes you live the life of a princess.
- Why princess? Wasn't I a prince?
- No, with him you're really a princess. And then he makes you have fun and you really need to have fun, because you're living a hard life: you work three or four jobs to pay your dad and your brother back, you think about the baby, you go to Antonha, you try to get a degree, in short you do too many things and that's not good for your age, because at twenty you want to have fun above all else.
- Maybe you're right, Mayra, but there are people who go to war at twenty and support a family, while I actually need lightheartedness, fun. I'm very immature for my age.
- What war? It's not normal to go to war at your age! It's the powerful criminals who send young people to their deaths. At your age, it's normal to want to have fun, Manu. But go ahead: you got to the disco. And then what happened?
- Then there was some kind of fight and I wanted to beat up two idiots who made fun of him and called him an old faggot. They made me furious.
- That's fine, that's just like a real man. And after that?
- Afterwards we went to sleep at Chalet La Marmotte. It's funny, isn't it? He always calls me marmottino, and he chose a hotel with that name.
- Because he's in love with you. And after that?
- Calm down, I'll get there. There was only one room with two single beds, but the heating was off and I was a little cold…
And so, using the cold as an excuse, you entered Janni's bed.
- No, not with the excuse: I was really cold.
- Prinsy…
Okay, you're right: it was an excuse.
- I told you not to tell me lies: I realize it right away. Now turn around, I have to massage the front part.
- I can't, May.
- Why?
- Because I'm excited, I'm ashamed.
- And why are you excited, Prinsy? Because you remember that night?
- No, I don't think that's why. Maybe the butt massage, I don't know.
- Does massage make you excited instead of relaxed?
I snort impatiently.
- Mayra, these things happen, heh: I understand that you have no experience with these things, but I assure you that they happen to young males quite often.
- All right, but I don't get any effect from an excited maskieto like you. I've seen worse in life.
- Oh thank you, that's a really nice compliment.
- Oh no, I meant that it's just the two of us and that you don't have to be ashamed: there's no one else who sees you. Let's do one thing: I'll put a nice heavy towel on your belly and that's it, the excitement won't be seen anymore.
- You can still see it, huh! A kind of little hill under the towel.
- All right, we'll see the little hill, what's the problem? Come on, turn around: here's the siugamano, end of the problem.
- Thank you, May.
I lie on my back with my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling.
- No, the arms have to be stretched out, otherwise I can't massage them.
- I stretch out my arms on the bed.
- We left off with you in bed with Janni. And then what happened to that poor little ass?
- Nothing to him, Mayra.
- Oh what great news. And why?
- Because in any case I wouldn't have wanted it either. It would have been a vulgar situation, absolutely unsuitable for a character like Gianni, even if...
- Even if?
- Okay, even if he does it with other guys.
- And not with you?
- No, not with me.
- It's definitely not that he doesn't like you, Manu. So, if he doesn't do it, it's because he respects you. He really loves you.
- I think so. In any case, I would have liked him to do to me… something else, that is.
- What else?
- Mayra, be patient, I can't call certain things by their name!
- Oh no? And why?
- Because as soon as he did it they seemed really ugly to me.
- Yes, that man is really smart, and he loves you, Prinsy: he said it precisely because he didn't want to.
- And so we stayed in each other's arms all night doing nothing and slept like that. End of story.
- That's a beautiful story, Manu! Really beautiful.
- Yes, May, it's a beautiful story, but now I feel like shit, because I would have done those things with him. And I'm not gay, Mayra, believe me.
- Well, I think you are a little gay, yes.
- No, it's not that. It's just that I don't care about the gender of the people I like. I mean, let's say I'm bisexual.
- But why are you sad, since nothing happened?
- It all happened in my mind, and what's more, that night of forced chastity made me realize that I really care about him, and he about me. But I don't know how to behave with him anymore, Mayra. We couldn't be together even if we wanted to, especially since he's had a partner for many years.
- He'll take care of it, Manu: he's a wise man, he knows how to behave.
- Maybe, but the problem remains. I feel bad about myself because I would have done those things, you know? He was the one who told me no.
- Yes, of course I understand. And I also understand why you're feeling bad.
- Do you really understand it? Then tell me, because I don't understand it.
- It's too easy to understand, Prinsy: he closed the door in your face. In a gentle way, but he closed it. And he closed it precisely because he loves you. You see Manu, what makes you feel so bad is that every time a man or a woman falls in love with you, they always run away. And you're left alone.
I am amazed for a moment by the ease with which Mayra gets her diagnoses right.
- Yes Mayra, I think it's exactly as you say. The only exception was Arianna: she even tried to kill me when I left.
- She didn't love you, Manu, she wanted you as something of her own: which is not love. It's something completely different.
- I know: it's a sense of ownership.
- But those who love you, Prinsy, always run away: they're afraid of you, because you make them feel bad. Not because of you, heh. It's like always having a stomach ache, in the end you can't take it anymore.
- Mayra, what you told me is terrible. And it's true: in the end they all push me away as if I were burning or had the plague, or something.
- No, the plague, but you do burn, Prins.
- And what do you know about it, Mayra?
- I know, Manu. It's easy to understand.
- So I have to stay alone for the rest of my life?
- But no, don't stay alone: just be friends, like with Carlos and me.
- Oh, thanks, May… Sure, it's much better than nothing, in fact it's a wonderful thing, but you're not taking into account the fact that I'm a twenty-year-old male.
She points to the towel resting on my lap.
- You mean it's his problem?
- Also, but not only. Loving is a global thing, that does not involve only him.
- You can also love without it.
And nothing, I see that Mayra is incapable of understanding that kind of problem. I sigh and arm myself with patience.
- Mayra, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't talk about things you don't know: you've never had certain experiences and therefore you can't know how they work. Take my relationship with Antonia: there was love, there was affection, there was feeling, and there was also, as was normal, a lot of beautiful sex. A real relationship is like that. I can't experience sex like an animal, I need to have a deep relationship with a person. If this relationship isn't there, or isn't there anymore, I prefer to do without it, because it makes me feel dirty. Do you understand now?
- Yes of course, I understand. Alright, the massage is over: put your shirt back on, there’s a cool breeze.
- Where do you feel the cool breeze? It's June, it's ridiculously hot.
- Put it back on anyway, it's not good that you're shirtless.
I put on my shirt. She picks up the catalogue I placed on the bedside table again.
- Now let's look at some nice plants together, so you can distract yourself and feel better.
- Okay, come on. But I already feel better.
- You've relaxed then.
- Yes, I relaxed. Thank you, Mayra.
- Nothing, Prins.
(The cell phone rings)
- And yet, if you wanted to relax, you should have turned off the phone: I always tell you…
- You're right. Okay, pass it on to me please: maybe it's something important.
- And maybe not, and you get nervous again.
She sighs and hands me my cell phone, which is ringing. I see the number and instinctively sit up.
- Hello.
- Am I speaking to the marmot nursery?
- Yes, Sir. What would you like?
- I need a luxury marmot.
I lower my tone of voice.
- No, sorry, we only have second-rate marmots here.
I hear him laughing on the other side. I want to laugh too, but Mayra is staring at me and won't move away.
- I'm not alone, I whisper to him.
- Do we have company, pup? And who are you with?
- With a friend.
- Ah, then maybe I'd better call you at another time: something tells me you're in bed.
- Yes, I'm in bed, but alone.
- In company but alone? Little rat, are you raving?
- I'll explain later, I can't now.
- All right, I understand - concludes Mayra, seeing that I am silent and procrastinating. - If you need me, I'm over there.
- Thanks, May, see you later.
She stands up and leaves the room. I lie down on my back on the bed and resume the conversation.
- I was with Mayra, a very dear friend. Now she's out, we can talk.
- And what was your very dear friend doing in the bedroom?
- She gave me massages.
- Oh, and you admit it too? What an unrepentant pig.
I laugh.
- But no, Gianni, it's nothing like you think: they were massages in the true sense of the word, the relaxing ones. She's very good at doing them.
- Maybe, but from a person like you you can expect anything. Listen, honey, I called you because I have a new commission: they pay well and there's a big surprise for you.
- A surprise? What is it?
- If I tell you before, it's no longer a surprise. Can you come to me tomorrow?
- Yes, of course, I'll make sure to free myself. Where are we going?
- Out and about, because we have to drive: the commission is for the launch of the Smart Fortwo.
- And what would that be?
- A car, love!
- I had come to that: but what kind of car?
- A mini car, that is, a super-utility vehicle ideal for city use: it was created by Smart, a joint venture between Mercedes-Benz and the Swatch watch factory.
- Oh yes, I think I saw it on TV: that little monster that looks like a car sawn in half.
- That's right, darling, but your definition is unfair and merciless: it's a very cute city car.
- It disgusts me. But it's okay, if they pay us for this...
- See you tomorrow at ten outside my office, then we'll head straight up the hill.
- But why on a hill, if it's a city car?
- By contrast, sweetie! It would be too obvious to set a city car in the city, right?
- Oh yeah, silly me. And where exactly are we going?
- In Montevecchia, about thirty kilometers from Milan.
- Why exactly there?
- Because it's a fantastic place, you'll see: it's on a hill, it has a magnificent view of Milan, a very particular microclimate and there are a lot of extinct little animals like you.
- Am I extinct?
- Of course, honey: you're the last of a very rare species of guacamole-eating groundhog, which means you're extinct.
- Too bad, I actually liked existing. Anyway, I had a puppy.
- Yes, that's true. In any case, several species that are extinct elsewhere survive in Montevecchia, including the Lataste frog, so it should be right up your alley; there's also a Lombard sanctuary and even Celtic pyramids dating back more than three thousand years.
- Enough said, I'm already excited.
- I thought so. And you'll be even more so when you see the surprise.
- I can't wait.
- See you tomorrow, little puppy. And don't be too much of a piggy, please.
- There's no danger, Gianni. See you tomorrow.
I hang up smiling and place the phone on my heart. Mayra, hearing that I've finished the call, goes back into the room.
- Would you like some pineapple juice, Manu?
- Yes, thank you, Mayra.
- I'll bring it to you.
- I see that, for a change, Bella has got up to follow you. Well done, Bella, you really are a faithful dog, there's no denying it.
Bella, mortified by my reprimand, comes back wagging her tail: I caress her on the head.
- Go, go… - I tell her magnanimously.
Mayra turns in the doorway.
- Anyway, Prinsy, excuse me for saying this, but you've become quite an idiot lately.
- I know, Mayra.
She sighs and leaves, followed by Bella.
I close my eyes with a feeling of profound well-being and dream of being in Gianni's arms doing what we did together that night: absolutely nothing.