Four days without even a call from Gianni. I feel like I'm ten feet under, but I have to react. I worked hard today: in the morning I went to see the houses in Albugnano with Bruno, an interesting business in which I decided to invest a little money myself; in the afternoon I helped Mayra at the nursery, where several customers arrived, almost all sent by Mrs. Bozzoli to buy some special rose varieties that I had acquired in the meantime. Word of mouth seems to be working.
Now I'm quite tired and want to rest in the cool: the back room faces north and is very comfortable even in summer. I throw open the two windows, where Mayra has put up some providential mosquito nets, and stretch out on the bed. She joins me almost immediately with a glass of pineapple juice: I thank her and drain it in two gulps.
I must not let melancholy take over.
- Sit here, I say, pointing to the bed. She obeys.
- No massage?, she asks me.
- No, not for now. We're just spending time together.
- Okay. Do you want to talk?
- Yes, if it doesn't bother you.
- But imagine if it bothers me.
- Let's get back to yesterday: I was telling you I want to try giving up sex, and you gave me a slap for it.
- No, you don't have to give up! Are you a loon?
- Mayra, I thought I explained things to you and I thought you understood.
- Oh, I get it! But you can't do it the way you say, you're too young. You just "have" to do it.
- Excuse me, what are you talking about? I mean, do you think I have to have sex just for the sake of it? With the first person I come across?
- No, not with the first one. You have to choose it carefully. We'll think about it now.
It makes me laugh, despite everything.
- Mayra, it's not a matter of choosing or thinking about it: it's something that happens, or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
- So explain to me, since I couldn't do it alone: what was so special about Antonha that you can't do with the others?
- Everything, absolutely everything.
- This is not an answer: it's like saying that a cat is a cat because it is a cat.
- By the way, how is Gatu Felìpe?
- Great, thanks: I made him a new, lighter headset for the summer. But don't change the subject, answer my question.
- Let me explain. The special thing was that with Antonia I let myself go completely.
- What do you mean you let go?
- May, it's really embarrassing to talk about this. I think… yes, I think I'm beautiful in certain moments. I let the beauty in my soul shine through. But I only let it shine through if I trust someone.
- So you trusted Antonha?
- Yes. I trusted her from the very first moment and continued to do so for a long time, even though she cheated on me and rejected my marriage proposal.
- And you still trusted her.
- Yes, I trusted her.
She bursts into a loud laugh.
- What a little idiot you are, Manu.
- You're right, I'm a real idiot.
- Anyway, I thought it was the woman who let herself go in those moments, not the maskio.
- May, you should know that from the very beginning, she was always the one to take the initiative with me. I mostly let her do her thing.
- So you didn't do anything?
- No, calm down, it's not that I didn't do anything: I did something too. In fact, at a certain point I grew up and started to take the game into my own hands.
- The game into hands, Prins?
- It's a figure of speech, May, I reply impatiently. And I'm sorry, I can't go into details: try to imagine. I know it's not easy for you, but it's not my fault if you don't know anything about these things.
- I bite my tongue.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
- No, don't be sorry, it's the truth . But I've seen a few sex films too, huh? I think I've figured one thing out: you, more than having sex, like certain things to be done to you.
I blush. Mayra captured in one click that "sexual passivity" that the psychologist had once highlighted as one of my defining personality traits, explaining the whys and wherefores with long, pointless turns of phrase (it was obvious to me even without him telling me). I now discover that there's no need to pay a psychoanalyst when dealing with Mayra.
- In a certain sense, yes I admit.
- Okay, but I can do those tricks too, she says candidly.
I lift my head and stare at her with wide eyes.
- Mayra, you don't know what you're talking about. At least I hope so.
- Why, what would be strange about that?
- Everything! It would all be weird and completely absurd! I can't even imagine you doing those things. Oh God, Mayra, don't make me think you used to do them too... And with whom, anyway?
She, hastily, cuts it short:
- Listen, Manu: I think she gave you massages or something like that, right?
- Eh, more or less.
- Well, I can do massages too.
I lean back against the pillow with a sigh of relief: thankfully this poor woman didn't understand a thing.
- Yes of course, May, you are very good at giving massages.
- So do you see it?
It makes me laugh again.
- But what do I see? Come on, please, let's be serious: these are two completely different things.
- I know it's not exactly the same, huh! I can understand that. But a massage is better than nothing, right?
- It's much better than nothing, May. Much, much better.
- And you don't let go when I massage you?
- Yes, May, I do let myself go. I like it, it relaxes me, and it cheers me up. If you enjoy giving them to me, I enjoy receiving them, and we're all set. There's really no need for you to do… anything else, that's all.
- Neither with me nor with anyone else.
- Then start being content with this. Then we'll see.
- Okay, Mayra: massage me again, I'd really appreciate it.
I lie down, taking off my shirt. She starts massaging me again.
- Don't you take off your trousers, Manu?
- No, it's better not. If Carlos happens to come back...
- All right, I understand. I'll massage your back and stomach.
I close my eyes and relax completely. I remain silent for a while, then I decide to ask her a question that's been on my mind for a while:
- Don't you ever miss sex, Mayra?
She looks at me strangely, as if I'd asked her something profoundly stupid.
- What could I possibly miss, Manu? I have everything.
- In what sense?
- I have a great job, an irmùn like Carlos who loves me so much, a nice house with a cat, a vegetable garden, good chickens who lay eggs every day, a beautiful garden with lots of flowers, a dog like Bela, and even you in my bed! I really think I'm the luckiest woman in the world, Prins.
Suddenly my eyes fill with tears. I fake a sneeze; she hands me a tissue.
- You caught a cold. Here, put this woolen scarf on your shoulders, the massage here is finished.
I wrap the soft wool shawl she holds out to me around my neck. It smells faintly of vanilla or something similar, a sweet, opiate scent.
- Anyway, Manu, she tells me understandingly, if you miss sex so much , it's easy: just go back to bed with Antonha.
I am completely taken aback by this statement.
- No May, I can't anymore now.
- Why? She doesn't want to?
- No, she never turned me down as a lover. The fact is, I've changed. She humiliated me, as a man and as a father. Before, I was just a boy; it might have made sense for her to treat me with superiority, but now...
She interrupts me with unusual severity.
- No, Manu, it didn't make sense before either. If you were a little boy, she should have treated you like a mamàn, not sucked you up and then treated you like a superior and slept with the older men.
I can't help but laugh again: her description is very funny, even if perfectly fitting.
- May, the superior is a sort of leader of the nuns, and believe me, Antonia is nothing like a nun at all.
- Eh, I can imagine.
- Anyway, May, I just couldn't let myself go with her now. I could have sex with her, that's for sure: there's always been a very strong physical attraction between us.
- And what did I tell you? You can have sex with her.
- Mayra, so I didn't explain myself. Having sex without feeling, as I told you before, isn't communication, it's just fucking. I'm not interested, and especially not with her, since I truly loved her. It's pointless, you don't understand.
- Instead, I think I understand, Prins: what you miss is that you can no longer show her the beauty you have inside you.
I look at her in amazement: she has hit the nail on the head.
- Exactly, Mayra. I absolutely don't intend to show her the beauty in me anymore: she's seen it and despised it. So it's over.
- That's right, Manu. But you really miss showing someone that beauty you have inside. That's why you wanted to show it to Janni, who thinks you're so beautiful on the outside.
I nod.
- You need to find someone you trust, Prins.
- Yeah, but there isn't. I was hoping to find it in him, but I'm just stupid. And there's no other.
- Absolutely none?
I'm about to answer "none," but I suddenly stop and look up.
- I mean, actually there would be, but…
- But?
- But I can't.
- And if you can't, never mind.
I remain silent for a few seconds, then I ask her the most idiotic of questions:
- So what do we do?
She shrugs.
- Let's wait for that person, Manu, to arrive, and in the meantime let's do something else.
I relax again and try not to think about anything else. Suddenly my cell phone rings.
- Prinsy, I'll turn it off for you, otherwise you can relax.
I jump up on the bed.
- No, for goodness sake, don't turn it off: give it here.
Mayra, sighing, hands it to me. My heart skips a beat when I see the number.
I resist the temptation to answer and stare transfixed at the screen, listening to the ringing and waiting for the final beep that confirms I have a message on my voicemail. Meanwhile, Mayra has sat down with her hands clasped in her lap and is looking at me with a resigned expression.
- Aren't you listening to it, Prins?
- Yes Mayra, I'm listening to it now.
- Now when?
- Now.
- Oh, I get it, you want me to go.
- No, May, please stay. This message could be the last and it could hurt me deeply: that's why I prefer you by my side.
- All right, Manu. Come on, press the button.
I hesitantly press the button and put the phone on speakerphone, so that Mayra can hear it too.
"Emmanuel," begins an unusually calm and controlled voice, "I don't know what to do anymore. If you don't talk to me and give me a chance to explain, I can't make you understand how things really are. It's not what it seems, believe me. Please answer me. I'd like to meet you to apologize and explain everything. Please, give me that chance. A big kiss, my love."
Click.
We both remain silent. Then Mayra speaks.
- It seems sinseru, Manu.
I nod slowly.
- Yes, I know, May: Gianni knows how to pretend very well. Otherwise I wouldn't have fallen for it like a chicken.
- I don't think he's pretending.
Another silence.
- Maybe you should try talking to him, Prins, because you're feeling too bad and I can't do anything for you.
- That's not true, Mayra, you're very important to me and you always manage to make me feel better.
- Better, yes, but not good. Try talking to him, worst case scenario, you'll shut the door in his face if he offends you again.
I stare at my phone. Then I put it on the nightstand and lie back down on the bed.
- I'll think about it, May. Now, please, finish the massage.
- Agreed.
She starts massaging me again.
- You know, you're much more relaxed now? Your muscles are much softer.
- Yes, I know.
I feel like I'm drowning in a pool of honey, such is the sweetness of that re-established contact.
Gianni came back to look for me.